Tuesday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

It has been 110 days since my last posting. I'm certain some of you may have cried about this. My utter lack of caring is indescribable. I've had more important things to do...like, not caring.

Today, I sat around like this.

I took a bath...several...because I smelled like happiness and joy. Unacceptable.

I nearly died of boredom and not caring about you. I had to be revived by the Smelling Salts of Death and Mayhem.

I devoured some human souls.

I laughed at Dumbface and his existence.

I hope you swallow your own face,

Blue

Tuesday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

I haven't written in awhile...I realize that. Nor do I care. I have been occupied with recipe books...trying to find the best way to broil newborn twins at the same time. A little glaze, a little salt, a pineapple loop or two...I'm thinking that's the best way to go. Now to convince the female human to get a bigger oven. I'd hate to have to wait another 45 minutes for the second one. Waste of my time. Dinner's on me, folks. Come over early January around 6ish. 

Bring toothpicks, 

Blue 

Friday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today, I have an announcement. 

I hope you die from wondering about it,

Blue

...COMING SOON...

A collaborative effort from Ruth the Effulgent and Zack the Splendiferous 

I'm a happy happy happy doggie!

Hey, it's me! It's Seumas! I'm a doggie! Hey! I love you so much! 

How are you?! It's Monday!

D'you hear that? 

Anyways! So, it's Monday! I love Mondays! 

The kitty Blue, I love her so much, she left her computer on and I just wanted to say Hey! And I found some pictures from Christmas. I love Christmas! I love it so much! And every day is like Christmas! 

Mom and Dad dressed us up like Santa's helpers! I loved it! I love when they do that! It makes me happy. The Blue kitty, she's my best friend, she likes it too...I think. 

Happy Christmas! 

I love you! I'll see you la---hey! It's Blue! Hey kitty! I love you! Can I kiss you?! 

GET OFF MY COMPUTER, YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE!! OUT! 

Agh. Wonderful. Now my keyboard smells of cheese and grass. Well, obviously the picture of myself dressed as an insufferable representation of the lackluster, vomit-inducing holiday filled with "spirit" and "joy" has been digitally altered and is a complete falsification. Stop looking at it, you filthy humans. You disgust me. Get back to work, minions. 

I hate you. 

You smell of old ham, 

Blue

Monday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today...well, yesterday...my humans requested an audience with myself. I graciously granted it. I am a very generous individual. Dumbface was also present. My humans proceeded to tell me that they have ordered a new human to join my household staff and will be available for service starting January 2010. This pleased me greatly as the chores have gone unmanned for quite some time and I've been looking to add new warm bodies to my servant roster. And also because I eat babies for breakfast. Delicious. They also mentioned things like "dirty diapers" and "crying" and "late nights" and "outdoor cat," but my attention was demanded elsewhere...my exquisite reflection in a mirror. 

Today, I have fashioned a chariot on which I will be carried around the premises by Dumbface...my beast of burden. One of the many perks of ruling a kingdom. 

Here is a picture of me. I'm more delightful today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was divine. 

I send all my loathing and despair...from the bottom of the hollow pit where my heart once was, 

Blue

Wednesday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today, I realize it has been far too long since I have cursed you and your children and your children's children. And anyone you know. I don't apologize for my lack of blogginess, I merely state that I don't care about you. And if you disappeared today, no one would even notice. 

Recently, my humans were allowed a leave of absence and I, in my graciousness, did not burn the house down. They traveled to some dismal place called Bermuda...more like Boremuda. In their vacancy, I, along with Me and Myself, accomplished many things...

I built a dirigible out of dishwasher parts and dirty laundry. It's in the back yard. You never know when you'll either need to make a quick escape or parade your gloriousness around the world in front of your new subjects. 

I used my blades of death to scratch a 3" long fissure into the back of the couch...one for each day of the week my humans were gone. And one for each day of the week that I was awesome...which was twice a day. 

I made napalm. Just to have on hand. 

I wrote a poem...

Outside

The grass glistens with dew.

I can't express enough

How much I really really really hate you.

I wrote a song...

Outside

The grass glistens with dew...yeah baby

I can't express enough

How much I really really really hate you...oh yeah

I illegally downloaded 24 movies and 904 songs. 

I ate some lipstick. 

I made four scientific discoveries...

1. A+B+C-R-105\the variable of the root of the difference = You're stupid

2. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force...or my fist

3. Hydrogen molecules combined with a drop of human blood does nothing. It was a waste to cut that human.

4. Blueus caticus is the most pure form of perfection in the material world. 

Here is a picture of me. I'm more sensational today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was pulchritudinous (sound it out...one syllable at a time.)

Go jump off something tall,

Blue

Tuesday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today, I pillaged and burned. 

Humans = delicious,

Blue