Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Next Thursday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

I must apologize for not writing for many days. I've been incredibly busy not caring about you. Most people do not understand the intricate goings-on of my days. Most people are too daft to realize they're alive. I will not explain it to you. No doubt you're having trouble even reading this sentence. *sigh* 

Yesterday, my two human servants wrapped Christmas presents. I assisted them. I left a little present in one of them as a surprise. Ha, Dirty Santa indeed. I am a genius. 

My canine servant, the one I call Dumbface, has agreed to be dressed up in Christmas apparel every night for the humans' amusement. I must admit, he is quite a sight to behold...even stupider-looking than when he's not dressed up. If I could laugh, I would bellow sarcasm in his scruffy face, mocking his ridiculousness. Until I master the odd art of human emotion, I will settle for maintaining my incessant smirk. See below. 

I hope you have a dreary day.   


Here is a picture of me. I'm more magnificent today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was fabulous. 

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I ordered the Twilight saga off Amazon. I think the pasty white, skinny boy is hideous. The tan, wolf boy...mmm him, I could sop him up with a biscuit. I hate books. 

Today, I think I might make a traditional English trifle to celebrate how amazing I am today. I probably won't eat any of it and if I do, I'll just throw it up later on the rug. The humans seem slightly annoyed when I throw up right in front of the door. It's the only time of day the shriveled remnant of my heart feels any emotion. 

The female human was making ornaments last night. Today, I think I'll chew on a few of them and/or carry some away to place in my litter box in the garage. I think she'll be very pleased with that seeing as how her craft creations are nothing but crap and belong in the litter box. I'm just helping her. Better I crush her dreams now than someone else years down the road. 

I hope you are miserable today. 


Here is a picture of me. I'm more glorious today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was magnificent.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today, I learned to predict the weather. When it's sunny, I'm angry. When it's rainy, I'm angry. When it's cloudy, I'm angry. 

Today I took 23 baths. I need at least 290 more to get the smell of the humans I live with off me. They're decent enough....stupid, mundane, simple.

Today, I read about the pirates' attempt at hijacking the cruise liner. Unfortunately, the cruise ship outran the pirates. Bah. It would have been sweet vengeance to teach those tourists a lesson or two about gluttony and happiness. No one should be happy.

I loathe today. I must go preen my whiskers. I hope you have a horrible day. 


Here is a picture of me. I'm more beautiful today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was gorgeous.