Thursday, February 19, 2009


Hello, humans.

I hate you. 

Today the male human was dreadfully sick. He didn't die from it, which made me sick, but I must live on. I thought maybe the concoction of dog food, antihistamines, lipstick and urine I blended together and laced amongst his toothbrush bristles might have finally done him in, but alas, he has survived...although the hideousness of being an insipid invalid has done wonders for his pallid face. I do believe I am not the only brilliant feline roaming these lands (although, I am the most beautiful), as I have heard from the female human that many of their species have been overtaken by this illness. Bah plan is working! At last. 

The female oooed over him all him juice, covering him with a blanket, taking his temperature...ha, a few times I removed the digital device and held it under the lamp, much to the male human's dismay...he couldn't do anything about it...he had come down with a "man cold" and was rendered useless. When the female returned and saw the reading at 134.6 degrees Fahrenheit, I snickered beneath my cold and concrete facade as she tried to determine why he wasn't engulfed in flames at the moment. She looked at me as though I had something to do with it...I just glared, flicked my whiskers and yawned...bored almost. Stupid humans. 

I hope you trip over your shoelaces and make fools out of yourselves...oh wait, you don't have to trip to do that. Ha. 

Why do I bother, 

Here is a picture of me. I'm more alluring today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was exquisite. 

Monday, February 9, 2009


Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today is a new day...a new week.  Just as depressing and tiresome as the ones before. I've almost lost the will to live, yet I will survive. As long as I know how to purr, I know I will stay alive. Earlier, I overheard the humans conversing about taking Dumbface to the V-E-T. I have yet to crack their idiotic cipher, but I believe V-E-T is code for a top secret human/canine facility where they attempt to foil our plans to dominate man and dogkind. They will not succeed! I will get in there and disrupt their foolish plans. I've ordered Kevlar body armor and specialized ninja upgrades. I will be prepared. 

Later this afternoon, I intend on knocking every piece of candy from the female human's recently filled candy bowl out onto the floor for Dumbface to find and run off with while the female human chases him. It's the little things...

It's taken me many weeks, but I am down to one Soft Paw...only the purple one remains. But not for long. At night, while the humans sleep like fat cows, I whittle away at the loathsome sheaths covering my beautifully glossy blades of death until VICTORY. Alas, another fortnight and I shall be free of the colored shackles that hinder my glory. Until then...I will wait...lurking...always lurking...

I hope at least one of you cries today. 

Nobody cares,

Here is a picture of me. I'm more resplendent today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was sublime.