Tuesday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

I see you're still alive. A pity, for sure.

The War of One and Two Against Feline Supreme is still raging on. I thought I had gained the upper hand, but alas, their technology has advanced and they've developed mobility. And they're so, very fat. I'll be honest, they scare the beebumbles out of me. Did I say that out loud? NO! Backspace! Where's the backspace?! AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!

I must perfect my plan of attack. I must expand my Brain Trust. Joaquin, Lazy, Mange, and Stephanie...their ideas have grown stale and weak. They are imbeciles. This must go beyond local strays and rodents. I need to recruit...humans. YES. HUMANS. Fight fire with fire! One and Two will never see it coming. Their own kind! Mwaaaah ha haaaa...MWAAAH HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! I'm not called an "evil genius" for nothing.

Now, who to bring into my circle of malevolence? I shall hold auditions. If you are interested in joining my Plan to Take Over the World, Starting with the Enslavery of all Mankind, But First I Have to Subjugate the Genius Twin Ring of One and Two, But It's Very Hard to Do Because They Elude My Every Attempt at Preponderation, But One Day I Shall Prevail Club, please fill out the questionnaire below:

I (insert name here) believe that cats are superior to humankind.

( ) YES or ( ) YES

I would make a good evil apprentice.

( ) YES 0r ( ) NO. Because I am weak and moronic.

Once you have filled out the form, please submit to: YOUR MOM.

Ha, like I need your help.

I love to torment the birds that live above the patio. Delicious.

Wednesday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Who cares. I don't.

To be quite honest, I was hoping the Apocalypse would have occurred by now and all that remained was zombies, which I could easily outrun and throw things at, and my feline minions...and we would finally RULE THE WORLD. Mwaaah ha haaaaaaa!!! But alas, my dream has crumbled around me, because, yet again, here you are...in all your glorious stupidity.

Many changes have taken place in my kingdom since last whenever I wrote. The oversized female human is not as oversized anymore and produced two miniature female humans. I've named them One and Two. World-ending realization...when they did learn to procreate? This is the last thing I needed...another hurdle in my journey toward world domination. But...just a small hiccup. I shall adapt. The newlings look alike and I've had a difficult time deciding which one to eat first.

They smell horrendously, and despite the larger humans' attempts to sanitize them...nothing works. They smell like cabbage and burnt hair.

I have asked to be relocated to new, more accommodating chambers. The environment is much more to my liking...solitary and quiet...the garage. I also have access to this new place I call Outside. I had no idea this world existed. It's...it's beautiful. I've become the leader of a group of feline companions...Joaquin, Lazy, Mange, and Stephanie. We have enslaved some birds, a few bugs, two mice, the neighborhood dogs–Riley, Rocky and Brilliance...all to do our bidding. My evil doings are coming to fruition. I LOVE OUTSIDE!

But I still hate you...and One and Two.

Gaze upon my beauty and weep at its magnificence. Then look away...don't look at me...I AM ROYALTY! YOU DO NOT LOOK AT ME!