Friday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today I came across a "friend" survey on one of my female human's "friends" page. As if she has any friends. I pay them to be kind to her because I pity her and her waxen, furless face. I decided you all should know more about me, for soon I will be your queen and you will need to know this information for the duties I will bestow upon you. 

1. Do you like blue cheese? 

My name is Blue and I eat cheese at least 7 meals a day, so yes. 

2. Do you own a gun?

I own my claws.

3. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?

Only humans drink Kool Aid...something with which to "aid" in being "kool," but it's not helping them in any way. Just empty calories.

4. What do you think of hot dogs?

Any dogs that are roasted and eaten are perfection.

5. Favorite Christmas movie?

I loathe holidays.

6. Favorite thing to drink?

Blood

7. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

My luxurious fur

8. Favorite hobby?

Glaring

9. Do you have A.D.D.?

My mind is only one one thing...world domination. 

10. What's one trait you hate about yourself?

What? WHAT?! How dare you imply that ANYONE would hate ANYTHING about me! I am magnanimous! Leave. Get out of my sight. 

11. Middle name?

Svetlana Saeng

12. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?

1. I hate you. 

2. Food.

3. I hate you. 

13. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink?

Blood, milk, Slimfast, blood

14. Current worry?

I worry about nothing.

15. Current hate right now?

You

16. Favorite place to be?

Anywhere with myself.

17. How did you ring in the New Year?

Devising my new plan for world domination. And attempting to put my humans out of their misery...I failed...but not for long......

18. Where would you like to go? (vacation spot)

I've already been everywhere. Booooriiiiiiing.

19. Name three people who might complete this?

You are so stupid.

20. Do you own slippers?

I eat slippers.

21. What shirt are you wearing?

A Fendi blouse

22. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

What other kind of sheets are there?

23. Can you whistle?

I have no lips.

24. Favorite color?

Is this honestly a question? Whoever came up with these should be punched in the face.

25. Would you be a pirate?

I was a pirate. 

26. What songs do you sing in the morning?

There is no morning. 

27. Favorite Girl's Name:

Blue

28. Favorite boy's name:

Bluephan

29. What's in your pocket right now?

I have no pockets, you fool. 

30. Last thing that made you laugh?

Laughter is for the weak.

31. What vehicle do you drive?

I have a chauffeur.

32. Worst injury you've ever had?

I'm invincible. 

33. Do you love where you live?

I hate where I live.

34. How many TVs do you have in your house?

One too many...although it does provide me a perch from which to view my subjects.

35. Who is your loudest friend?

Friends are unessential. 

36. Do you have any pets?

Two humans and a canine...all of which are expendable. 

37. Does someone have a crush on you?

Everyone...it's a burden.

38. Your favorite book(s)?

Reading is for imbeciles. 

39. Do you collect anything?

Souls

40. Favorite Sports Team:

East High Wildcats

41. What song do you want played at your funeral?

I will never die. 

But, hypothetically, "My Blue Heaven" sung by Frank Sinatra. 

I despise you all, 

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more winsome today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was enamoring. 

Thursday

Hello, humans.

I hate you. 

Why do I write mostly on Thursdays? Probably because it's the day of the week I want to die the least. Also, it's trash day. I'm hoping beyond all morbid hope that one day, just one day, my humans will wander aimlessly amongst the streets and the trash humans will mistake them for garbage and carry them away in their chariot of stench...forever. 

Today, some human strangers came to the house to take pictures of desserts on the female human's table for a magazine. Ridiculous, I know. The house isn't worth photographing, much less one of her tables. There are three of them...a blonde one, a brunette one, and a red one. They're all despicable. But they did come bearing gifts...food...so I've chosen to let them live...for now. I remain encased in the shadows of my lair under the humans' bed...awaiting the chance to dash out of an unattended door to cut the brake wires on the strangers' vehicles...just for giggles. 

The female human dressed Dumbface in a shirt...I laugh inwardly at his stupidity. 

I'm in the planning stages of a new world-domination plan....seeing as how my current plan is taking longer than I anticipated. First, I will suffocate my two humans in their sleep by lying directly on their exposed throats...I purr so as to not be disturbed by their gasping and wheezing. I tried an ancient Chinese torture device by placing my cold nose, a reflection of my cold heart, in the human female's ear, but she was onto me. She promptly catapulted me from my station in a quick burst of panic onto the floor...she caught me in a rare moment of weakness. It shain't happen again. 

I must go scratch something flesh-like. 

Pitying you, 

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more charming today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was bewitching

Thursday

Hello, humans.

I hate you. 

Today the male human was dreadfully sick. He didn't die from it, which made me sick, but I must live on. I thought maybe the concoction of dog food, antihistamines, lipstick and urine I blended together and laced amongst his toothbrush bristles might have finally done him in, but alas, he has survived...although the hideousness of being an insipid invalid has done wonders for his pallid face. I do believe I am not the only brilliant feline roaming these lands (although, I am the most beautiful), as I have heard from the female human that many of their species have been overtaken by this illness. Bah HAA...my plan is working! At last. 

The female oooed over him all day...giving him juice, covering him with a blanket, taking his temperature...ha, a few times I removed the digital device and held it under the lamp, much to the male human's dismay...he couldn't do anything about it...he had come down with a "man cold" and was rendered useless. When the female returned and saw the reading at 134.6 degrees Fahrenheit, I snickered beneath my cold and concrete facade as she tried to determine why he wasn't engulfed in flames at the moment. She looked at me as though I had something to do with it...I just glared, flicked my whiskers and yawned...bored almost. Stupid humans. 

I hope you trip over your shoelaces and make fools out of yourselves...oh wait, you don't have to trip to do that. Ha. 

Why do I bother, 

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more alluring today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was exquisite. 

Monday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today is a new day...a new week.  Just as depressing and tiresome as the ones before. I've almost lost the will to live, yet I will survive. As long as I know how to purr, I know I will stay alive. Earlier, I overheard the humans conversing about taking Dumbface to the V-E-T. I have yet to crack their idiotic cipher, but I believe V-E-T is code for a top secret human/canine facility where they attempt to foil our plans to dominate man and dogkind. They will not succeed! I will get in there and disrupt their foolish plans. I've ordered Kevlar body armor and specialized ninja upgrades. I will be prepared. 

Later this afternoon, I intend on knocking every piece of candy from the female human's recently filled candy bowl out onto the floor for Dumbface to find and run off with while the female human chases him. It's the little things...

It's taken me many weeks, but I am down to one Soft Paw...only the purple one remains. But not for long. At night, while the humans sleep like fat cows, I whittle away at the loathsome sheaths covering my beautifully glossy blades of death until VICTORY. Alas, another fortnight and I shall be free of the colored shackles that hinder my glory. Until then...I will wait...lurking...always lurking...

I hope at least one of you cries today. 

Nobody cares,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more resplendent today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was sublime.

Thursday...almost Friday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Why do I always write on Thursdays? I don't know. And why should you care? You barely have enough brain power to read, much less reason the day of the week on which this blog is posted. Ingrates.

Well, another year has come...and you're all still alive...unfortunately. *sigh* My solitary New Year's resolution was to rejoice in your ceasing to exist, yet here you are...still breathing. *sigh* 

I have many plans for this year...fuzzy fingers still crossed in hopes my original resolution will come to fruition at some point during this dismal year. I plan on doing some traveling. I plan on traveling from the humans' bed to the back of the couch at least twice a day. I also plan on incessantly dashing out the door the instant the humans let Dumbface out...sprawling out on the patio and then bounding away when they approach. It gives me delight to see them running like fools. I plan on gorging myself on food and then promptly throwing it up in various places throughout the garage for the humans to later find. I plan on hissing and spitting at every other person that enters my domain. I plan on taking over the world. Humble musings, I know...but assist me and I'll grant you lands and titles...maybe. Probably not. Get out of my sight. 

The female human is finishing her nightly ritual of bathing...how shameful she only bathes once a day...disgusting. I must go and wait so I can attack her as she leaves the showering room. 

You're all worthless. 

Mundanely, 

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more stunning today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was striking.

The Next Thursday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

I must apologize for not writing for many days. I've been incredibly busy not caring about you. Most people do not understand the intricate goings-on of my days. Most people are too daft to realize they're alive. I will not explain it to you. No doubt you're having trouble even reading this sentence. *sigh* 

Yesterday, my two human servants wrapped Christmas presents. I assisted them. I left a little present in one of them as a surprise. Ha, Dirty Santa indeed. I am a genius. 

My canine servant, the one I call Dumbface, has agreed to be dressed up in Christmas apparel every night for the humans' amusement. I must admit, he is quite a sight to behold...even stupider-looking than when he's not dressed up. If I could laugh, I would bellow sarcasm in his scruffy face, mocking his ridiculousness. Until I master the odd art of human emotion, I will settle for maintaining my incessant smirk. See below. 

I hope you have a dreary day.   

Indifferent,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more magnificent today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was fabulous. 

Thursday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I ordered the Twilight saga off Amazon. I think the pasty white, skinny boy is hideous. The tan, wolf boy...mmm mmmm...now him, I could sop him up with a biscuit. I hate books. 

Today, I think I might make a traditional English trifle to celebrate how amazing I am today. I probably won't eat any of it and if I do, I'll just throw it up later on the rug. The humans seem slightly annoyed when I throw up right in front of the door. It's the only time of day the shriveled remnant of my heart feels any emotion. 

The female human was making ornaments last night. Today, I think I'll chew on a few of them and/or carry some away to place in my litter box in the garage. I think she'll be very pleased with that seeing as how her craft creations are nothing but crap and belong in the litter box. I'm just helping her. Better I crush her dreams now than someone else years down the road. 

I hope you are miserable today. 

Non-affectionately, 

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more glorious today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was magnificent.