Tuesday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

I see you're still alive. A pity, for sure.

The War of One and Two Against Feline Supreme is still raging on. I thought I had gained the upper hand, but alas, their technology has advanced and they've developed mobility. And they're so, very fat. I'll be honest, they scare the beebumbles out of me. Did I say that out loud? NO! Backspace! Where's the backspace?! AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!

I must perfect my plan of attack. I must expand my Brain Trust. Joaquin, Lazy, Mange, and Stephanie...their ideas have grown stale and weak. They are imbeciles. This must go beyond local strays and rodents. I need to recruit...humans. YES. HUMANS. Fight fire with fire! One and Two will never see it coming. Their own kind! Mwaaaah ha haaaa...MWAAAH HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! I'm not called an "evil genius" for nothing.

Now, who to bring into my circle of malevolence? I shall hold auditions. If you are interested in joining my Plan to Take Over the World, Starting with the Enslavery of all Mankind, But First I Have to Subjugate the Genius Twin Ring of One and Two, But It's Very Hard to Do Because They Elude My Every Attempt at Preponderation, But One Day I Shall Prevail Club, please fill out the questionnaire below:

I (insert name here) believe that cats are superior to humankind.

( ) YES or ( ) YES

I would make a good evil apprentice.

( ) YES 0r ( ) NO. Because I am weak and moronic.

Once you have filled out the form, please submit to: YOUR MOM.

Ha, like I need your help.

I love to torment the birds that live above the patio. Delicious.

Wednesday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Who cares. I don't.

To be quite honest, I was hoping the Apocalypse would have occurred by now and all that remained was zombies, which I could easily outrun and throw things at, and my feline minions...and we would finally RULE THE WORLD. Mwaaah ha haaaaaaa!!! But alas, my dream has crumbled around me, because, yet again, here you are...in all your glorious stupidity.

Many changes have taken place in my kingdom since last whenever I wrote. The oversized female human is not as oversized anymore and produced two miniature female humans. I've named them One and Two. World-ending realization...when they did learn to procreate? This is the last thing I needed...another hurdle in my journey toward world domination. But...just a small hiccup. I shall adapt. The newlings look alike and I've had a difficult time deciding which one to eat first.

They smell horrendously, and despite the larger humans' attempts to sanitize them...nothing works. They smell like cabbage and burnt hair.

I have asked to be relocated to new, more accommodating chambers. The environment is much more to my liking...solitary and quiet...the garage. I also have access to this new place I call Outside. I had no idea this world existed. It's...it's beautiful. I've become the leader of a group of feline companions...Joaquin, Lazy, Mange, and Stephanie. We have enslaved some birds, a few bugs, two mice, the neighborhood dogs–Riley, Rocky and Brilliance...all to do our bidding. My evil doings are coming to fruition. I LOVE OUTSIDE!

But I still hate you...and One and Two.

Gaze upon my beauty and weep at its magnificence. Then look away...don't look at me...I AM ROYALTY! YOU DO NOT LOOK AT ME!

Tuesday

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

It has been 110 days since my last posting. I'm certain some of you may have cried about this. My utter lack of caring is indescribable. I've had more important things to do...like, not caring.

Today, I sat around like this.

I took a bath...several...because I smelled like happiness and joy. Unacceptable.

I nearly died of boredom and not caring about you. I had to be revived by the Smelling Salts of Death and Mayhem.

I devoured some human souls.

I laughed at Dumbface and his existence.

I hope you swallow your own face,

Blue

Tuesday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

I haven't written in awhile...I realize that. Nor do I care. I have been occupied with recipe books...trying to find the best way to broil newborn twins at the same time. A little glaze, a little salt, a pineapple loop or two...I'm thinking that's the best way to go. Now to convince the female human to get a bigger oven. I'd hate to have to wait another 45 minutes for the second one. Waste of my time. Dinner's on me, folks. Come over early January around 6ish. 

Bring toothpicks, 

Blue 

Friday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today, I have an announcement. 

I hope you die from wondering about it,

Blue

...COMING SOON...

A collaborative effort from Ruth the Effulgent and Zack the Splendiferous 

I'm a happy happy happy doggie!

Hey, it's me! It's Seumas! I'm a doggie! Hey! I love you so much! 

How are you?! It's Monday!

D'you hear that? 

Anyways! So, it's Monday! I love Mondays! 

The kitty Blue, I love her so much, she left her computer on and I just wanted to say Hey! And I found some pictures from Christmas. I love Christmas! I love it so much! And every day is like Christmas! 

Mom and Dad dressed us up like Santa's helpers! I loved it! I love when they do that! It makes me happy. The Blue kitty, she's my best friend, she likes it too...I think. 

Happy Christmas! 

I love you! I'll see you la---hey! It's Blue! Hey kitty! I love you! Can I kiss you?! 

GET OFF MY COMPUTER, YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE!! OUT! 

Agh. Wonderful. Now my keyboard smells of cheese and grass. Well, obviously the picture of myself dressed as an insufferable representation of the lackluster, vomit-inducing holiday filled with "spirit" and "joy" has been digitally altered and is a complete falsification. Stop looking at it, you filthy humans. You disgust me. Get back to work, minions. 

I hate you. 

You smell of old ham, 

Blue

Monday

Hello, humans. 

I hate you. 

Today...well, yesterday...my humans requested an audience with myself. I graciously granted it. I am a very generous individual. Dumbface was also present. My humans proceeded to tell me that they have ordered a new human to join my household staff and will be available for service starting January 2010. This pleased me greatly as the chores have gone unmanned for quite some time and I've been looking to add new warm bodies to my servant roster. And also because I eat babies for breakfast. Delicious. They also mentioned things like "dirty diapers" and "crying" and "late nights" and "outdoor cat," but my attention was demanded elsewhere...my exquisite reflection in a mirror. 

Today, I have fashioned a chariot on which I will be carried around the premises by Dumbface...my beast of burden. One of the many perks of ruling a kingdom. 

Here is a picture of me. I'm more delightful today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was divine. 

I send all my loathing and despair...from the bottom of the hollow pit where my heart once was, 

Blue