Blue the Cat

Tuesday

2010-09-21T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

I see you're still alive. A pity, for sure.

The War of One and Two Against Feline Supreme is still raging on. I thought I had gained the upper hand, but alas, their technology has advanced and they've developed mobility. And they're so, very fat. I'll be honest, they scare the beebumbles out of me. Did I say that out loud? NO! Backspace! Where's the backspace?! AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!

I must perfect my plan of attack. I must expand my Brain Trust. Joaquin, Lazy, Mange, and Stephanie...their ideas have grown stale and weak. They are imbeciles. This must go beyond local strays and rodents. I need to recruit...humans. YES. HUMANS. Fight fire with fire! One and Two will never see it coming. Their own kind! Mwaaaah ha haaaa...MWAAAH HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! I'm not called an "evil genius" for nothing.

Now, who to bring into my circle of malevolence? I shall hold auditions. If you are interested in joining my Plan to Take Over the World, Starting with the Enslavery of all Mankind, But First I Have to Subjugate the Genius Twin Ring of One and Two, But It's Very Hard to Do Because They Elude My Every Attempt at Preponderation, But One Day I Shall Prevail Club, please fill out the questionnaire below:

I (insert name here) believe that cats are superior to humankind.

( ) YES or ( ) YES

I would make a good evil apprentice.

( ) YES 0r ( ) NO. Because I am weak and moronic.

Once you have filled out the form, please submit to: YOUR MOM.

Ha, like I need your help.

I love to torment the birds that live above the patio. Delicious.

Wednesday

2010-06-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Who cares. I don't.

To be quite honest, I was hoping the Apocalypse would have occurred by now and all that remained was zombies, which I could easily outrun and throw things at, and my feline minions...and we would finally RULE THE WORLD. Mwaaah ha haaaaaaa!!! But alas, my dream has crumbled around me, because, yet again, here you are...in all your glorious stupidity.

Many changes have taken place in my kingdom since last whenever I wrote. The oversized female human is not as oversized anymore and produced two miniature female humans. I've named them One and Two. World-ending realization...when they did learn to procreate? This is the last thing I needed...another hurdle in my journey toward world domination. But...just a small hiccup. I shall adapt. The newlings look alike and I've had a difficult time deciding which one to eat first.

They smell horrendously, and despite the larger humans' attempts to sanitize them...nothing works. They smell like cabbage and burnt hair.

I have asked to be relocated to new, more accommodating chambers. The environment is much more to my liking...solitary and quiet...the garage. I also have access to this new place I call Outside. I had no idea this world existed. It's...it's beautiful. I've become the leader of a group of feline companions...Joaquin, Lazy, Mange, and Stephanie. We have enslaved some birds, a few bugs, two mice, the neighborhood dogs–Riley, Rocky and Brilliance...all to do our bidding. My evil doings are coming to fruition. I LOVE OUTSIDE!

But I still hate you...and One and Two.

Gaze upon my beauty and weep at its magnificence. Then look away...don't look at me...I AM ROYALTY! YOU DO NOT LOOK AT ME!

Tuesday

2009-11-17T13:51:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

It has been 110 days since my last posting. I'm certain some of you may have cried about this. My utter lack of caring is indescribable. I've had more important things to do...like, not caring.

Today, I sat around like this.

I took a bath...several...because I smelled like happiness and joy. Unacceptable.

I nearly died of boredom and not caring about you. I had to be revived by the Smelling Salts of Death and Mayhem.

I devoured some human souls.

I laughed at Dumbface and his existence.

I hope you swallow your own face,

Blue

Tuesday

2009-08-11T14:23:00.001-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

I haven't written in awhile...I realize that. Nor do I care. I have been occupied with recipe books...trying to find the best way to broil newborn twins at the same time. A little glaze, a little salt, a pineapple loop or two...I'm thinking that's the best way to go. Now to convince the female human to get a bigger oven. I'd hate to have to wait another 45 minutes for the second one. Waste of my time. Dinner's on me, folks. Come over early January around 6ish.

Bring toothpicks,

Blue

Friday

2009-07-10T11:54:00.001-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I have an announcement.

I hope you die from wondering about it,

Blue

...COMING SOON...

A collaborative effort from Ruth the Effulgent and Zack the Splendiferous

I'm a happy happy happy doggie!

2009-06-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's me! It's Seumas! I'm a doggie! Hey! I love you so much!

How are you?! It's Monday!

D'you hear that?

Anyways! So, it's Monday! I love Mondays!

The kitty Blue, I love her so much, she left her computer on and I just wanted to say Hey! And I found some pictures from Christmas. I love Christmas! I love it so much! And every day is like Christmas!

Mom and Dad dressed us up like Santa's helpers! I loved it! I love when they do that! It makes me happy. The Blue kitty, she's my best friend, she likes it too...I think.

Happy Christmas!

I love you! I'll see you la---hey! It's Blue! Hey kitty! I love you! Can I kiss you?!

GET OFF MY COMPUTER, YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE!! OUT!

Agh. Wonderful. Now my keyboard smells of cheese and grass. Well, obviously the picture of myself dressed as an insufferable representation of the lackluster, vomit-inducing holiday filled with "spirit" and "joy" has been digitally altered and is a complete falsification. Stop looking at it, you filthy humans. You disgust me. Get back to work, minions.

I hate you.

You smell of old ham,

Blue

Monday

2009-06-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today...well, yesterday...my humans requested an audience with myself. I graciously granted it. I am a very generous individual. Dumbface was also present. My humans proceeded to tell me that they have ordered a new human to join my household staff and will be available for service starting January 2010. This pleased me greatly as the chores have gone unmanned for quite some time and I've been looking to add new warm bodies to my servant roster. And also because I eat babies for breakfast. Delicious. They also mentioned things like "dirty diapers" and "crying" and "late nights" and "outdoor cat," but my attention was demanded elsewhere...my exquisite reflection in a mirror.

Today, I have fashioned a chariot on which I will be carried around the premises by Dumbface...my beast of burden. One of the many perks of ruling a kingdom.

Here is a picture of me. I'm more delightful today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was divine.

I send all my loathing and despair...from the bottom of the hollow pit where my heart once was,

Blue

Wednesday

2009-05-20T05:57:00.001-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I realize it has been far too long since I have cursed you and your children and your children's children. And anyone you know. I don't apologize for my lack of blogginess, I merely state that I don't care about you. And if you disappeared today, no one would even notice.

Recently, my humans were allowed a leave of absence and I, in my graciousness, did not burn the house down. They traveled to some dismal place called Bermuda...more like Boremuda. In their vacancy, I, along with Me and Myself, accomplished many things...

I built a dirigible out of dishwasher parts and dirty laundry. It's in the back yard. You never know when you'll either need to make a quick escape or parade your gloriousness around the world in front of your new subjects.

I used my blades of death to scratch a 3" long fissure into the back of the couch...one for each day of the week my humans were gone. And one for each day of the week that I was awesome...which was twice a day.

I made napalm. Just to have on hand.

I wrote a poem...

Outside

The grass glistens with dew.

I can't express enough

How much I really really really hate you.

I wrote a song...

Outside

The grass glistens with dew...yeah baby

I can't express enough

How much I really really really hate you...oh yeah

I illegally downloaded 24 movies and 904 songs.

I ate some lipstick.

I made four scientific discoveries...

1. A+B+C-R-105\the variable of the root of the difference = You're stupid

2. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force...or my fist

3. Hydrogen molecules combined with a drop of human blood does nothing. It was a waste to cut that human.

4. Blueus caticus is the most pure form of perfection in the material world.

Here is a picture of me. I'm more sensational today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was pulchritudinous (sound it out...one syllable at a time.)

Go jump off something tall,

Blue

Tuesday

2009-04-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I pillaged and burned.

Humans = delicious,

Blue

Thursday

2009-04-16T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Yesterday was my birthday. In human years, I am 5.

In cat years, I am perfect.

The humans attempted to present some sort of offering in celebration of this most joyous day, my day of birth. It was crude and unwanted, but since I am their supreme monarch and they are my minions, I blessed them and their simple gift with a twitch of my whiskers.

Happy Birthday to me. And Happy Birthday to me to you, for I have allowed you to live.

Today, I pity you for you are not me.

Blue

Hey! It's me! It's Seumas!

2009-04-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hey!

It's me!

I'm Seumas!

Hey!

Hi!

How are you?

I'm fine!

Hey!

I just wanted to say Hey!

This is Kitty's blog, but I don't think she'll mind!

I love Kitty!

I love her so much!

D'you hear that?

Anyways!

You should come over and play!

Mom won't mind!

She loves people!

I love people!

I love you!

D'you hear that?

Anyways!

I took a picture of myself!

Here!

See?

It's me! It's Seumas!

Because it's a picture!

HEY! It's Kitty!

Hey, Kitty!

I love Kitty!

I love you, Kitty!

Why do you look mad?

Wanna play?

NO OF COURSE I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY, YOU INSOLENT MONGREL! OUT, OUT I SAY!!!

Wonderful. Now I'll have to bleach the entire room. Sigh. Such a disgrace to his kind...such a sad life-form. I pity him, really. I apologize for the interruption of my esteemed blog. It shain't happen again. Carry on with your monotonous lives, humans.

Oh, and I hate you.

Blue

Tuesday

2009-04-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, my blog is freaking awesome.

Today, and everyday, I am freaking awesome.

Pining for your adoration...not,

Blue

Friday

2009-04-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I shall post pictures from my childhood to remind you all of what a glorious being I am and to illustrate my journey from majesty to amazingness. It was a difficult road, and although I was surrounded by morons the entire way, I conquered all and it has made me the generous, kind, beautiful vision that I am today.

Even as a young sapling, I was divine. The angels shone upon me with their brightness. Now, stop staring. My beauty will melt your horrid face.

Here was my first training session with my humans. I taught them that when I speak, they obey. It took several sessions because they are, in fact, stupid.

I am a good one. I don't need a pillow telling me that.

I refused the sleeping quarters the humans had provided as they were meager and common. I demanded they use their own bodies for my sleeping arrangements as they are beneath me in status, intellect, and well, everything.

I express my disgust for you, your children, and your children's children.

I hated you before I even knew you.

Yoga was an integral part of my day as it kept my body in the pristine condition befitting a queen. I no longer participate in yoga, as I have now achieved perfection.

Uh, how did this get in there? Uhm...next slide please.

What's mine is mine. What's yours is mine. Always has been, always will be.

Just walking where the humans had trod made it almost unbearable for my soul...or lack thereof.

I am what nightmares are made of. I visit you in your dreams. Ever haunting....

I'm sure these pictures made you hate yourself and your meaningless life even more.

If so, my work here is done.

Blue

Wednesday

2009-04-01T19:12:00.001-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I ended my humans' sad existence and now reign as humanity's Supreme Empress.

I wish that were true. Sigh. Unhappy April Fool's day to you imbeciles.

Go slap yourself,

Blue

Friday

2009-03-13T06:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today I came across a "friend" survey on one of my female human's "friends" page. As if she has any friends. I pay them to be kind to her because I pity her and her waxen, furless face. I decided you all should know more about me, for soon I will be your queen and you will need to know this information for the duties I will bestow upon you.

1. Do you like blue cheese?

My name is Blue and I eat cheese at least 7 meals a day, so yes.

2. Do you own a gun?

I own my claws.

3. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?

Only humans drink Kool Aid...something with which to "aid" in being "kool," but it's not helping them in any way. Just empty calories.

4. What do you think of hot dogs?

Any dogs that are roasted and eaten are perfection.

5. Favorite Christmas movie?

I loathe holidays.

6. Favorite thing to drink?

Blood

7. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

My luxurious fur

8. Favorite hobby?

Glaring

9. Do you have A.D.D.?

My mind is only one one thing...world domination.

10. What's one trait you hate about yourself?

What? WHAT?! How dare you imply that ANYONE would hate ANYTHING about me! I am magnanimous! Leave. Get out of my sight.

11. Middle name?

Svetlana Saeng

12. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?

1. I hate you.

2. Food.

3. I hate you.

13. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink?

Blood, milk, Slimfast, blood

14. Current worry?

I worry about nothing.

15. Current hate right now?

You

16. Favorite place to be?

Anywhere with myself.

17. How did you ring in the New Year?

Devising my new plan for world domination. And attempting to put my humans out of their misery...I failed...but not for long......

18. Where would you like to go? (vacation spot)

I've already been everywhere. Booooriiiiiiing.

19. Name three people who might complete this?

You are so stupid.

20. Do you own slippers?

I eat slippers.

21. What shirt are you wearing?

A Fendi blouse

22. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

What other kind of sheets are there?

23. Can you whistle?

I have no lips.

24. Favorite color?

Is this honestly a question? Whoever came up with these should be punched in the face.

25. Would you be a pirate?

I was a pirate.

26. What songs do you sing in the morning?

There is no morning.

27. Favorite Girl's Name:

Blue

28. Favorite boy's name:

Bluephan

29. What's in your pocket right now?

I have no pockets, you fool.

30. Last thing that made you laugh?

Laughter is for the weak.

31. What vehicle do you drive?

I have a chauffeur.

32. Worst injury you've ever had?

I'm invincible.

33. Do you love where you live?

I hate where I live.

34. How many TVs do you have in your house?

One too many...although it does provide me a perch from which to view my subjects.

35. Who is your loudest friend?

Friends are unessential.

36. Do you have any pets?

Two humans and a canine...all of which are expendable.

37. Does someone have a crush on you?

Everyone...it's a burden.

38. Your favorite book(s)?

Reading is for imbeciles.

39. Do you collect anything?

Souls

40. Favorite Sports Team:

East High Wildcats

41. What song do you want played at your funeral?

I will never die.

But, hypothetically, "My Blue Heaven" sung by Frank Sinatra.

I despise you all,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more winsome today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was enamoring.

Thursday

2009-03-05T06:31:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Why do I write mostly on Thursdays? Probably because it's the day of the week I want to die the least. Also, it's trash day. I'm hoping beyond all morbid hope that one day, just one day, my humans will wander aimlessly amongst the streets and the trash humans will mistake them for garbage and carry them away in their chariot of stench...forever.

Today, some human strangers came to the house to take pictures of desserts on the female human's table for a magazine. Ridiculous, I know. The house isn't worth photographing, much less one of her tables. There are three of them...a blonde one, a brunette one, and a red one. They're all despicable. But they did come bearing gifts...food...so I've chosen to let them live...for now. I remain encased in the shadows of my lair under the humans' bed...awaiting the chance to dash out of an unattended door to cut the brake wires on the strangers' vehicles...just for giggles.

The female human dressed Dumbface in a shirt...I laugh inwardly at his stupidity.

I'm in the planning stages of a new world-domination plan....seeing as how my current plan is taking longer than I anticipated. First, I will suffocate my two humans in their sleep by lying directly on their exposed throats...I purr so as to not be disturbed by their gasping and wheezing. I tried an ancient Chinese torture device by placing my cold nose, a reflection of my cold heart, in the human female's ear, but she was onto me. She promptly catapulted me from my station in a quick burst of panic onto the floor...she caught me in a rare moment of weakness. It shain't happen again.

I must go scratch something flesh-like.

Pitying you,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more charming today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was bewitching

Thursday

2009-02-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today the male human was dreadfully sick. He didn't die from it, which made me sick, but I must live on. I thought maybe the concoction of dog food, antihistamines, lipstick and urine I blended together and laced amongst his toothbrush bristles might have finally done him in, but alas, he has survived...although the hideousness of being an insipid invalid has done wonders for his pallid face. I do believe I am not the only brilliant feline roaming these lands (although, I am the most beautiful), as I have heard from the female human that many of their species have been overtaken by this illness. Bah HAA...my plan is working! At last.

The female oooed over him all day...giving him juice, covering him with a blanket, taking his temperature...ha, a few times I removed the digital device and held it under the lamp, much to the male human's dismay...he couldn't do anything about it...he had come down with a "man cold" and was rendered useless. When the female returned and saw the reading at 134.6 degrees Fahrenheit, I snickered beneath my cold and concrete facade as she tried to determine why he wasn't engulfed in flames at the moment. She looked at me as though I had something to do with it...I just glared, flicked my whiskers and yawned...bored almost. Stupid humans.

I hope you trip over your shoelaces and make fools out of yourselves...oh wait, you don't have to trip to do that. Ha.

Why do I bother,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more alluring today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was exquisite.

Monday

2009-02-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today is a new day...a new week. Just as depressing and tiresome as the ones before. I've almost lost the will to live, yet I will survive. As long as I know how to purr, I know I will stay alive. Earlier, I overheard the humans conversing about taking Dumbface to the V-E-T. I have yet to crack their idiotic cipher, but I believe V-E-T is code for a top secret human/canine facility where they attempt to foil our plans to dominate man and dogkind. They will not succeed! I will get in there and disrupt their foolish plans. I've ordered Kevlar body armor and specialized ninja upgrades. I will be prepared.

Later this afternoon, I intend on knocking every piece of candy from the female human's recently filled candy bowl out onto the floor for Dumbface to find and run off with while the female human chases him. It's the little things...

It's taken me many weeks, but I am down to one Soft Paw...only the purple one remains. But not for long. At night, while the humans sleep like fat cows, I whittle away at the loathsome sheaths covering my beautifully glossy blades of death until VICTORY. Alas, another fortnight and I shall be free of the colored shackles that hinder my glory. Until then...I will wait...lurking...always lurking...

I hope at least one of you cries today.

Nobody cares,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more resplendent today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was sublime.

Thursday...almost Friday

2009-01-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Why do I always write on Thursdays? I don't know. And why should you care? You barely have enough brain power to read, much less reason the day of the week on which this blog is posted. Ingrates.

Well, another year has come...and you're all still alive...unfortunately. *sigh* My solitary New Year's resolution was to rejoice in your ceasing to exist, yet here you are...still breathing. *sigh*

I have many plans for this year...fuzzy fingers still crossed in hopes my original resolution will come to fruition at some point during this dismal year. I plan on doing some traveling. I plan on traveling from the humans' bed to the back of the couch at least twice a day. I also plan on incessantly dashing out the door the instant the humans let Dumbface out...sprawling out on the patio and then bounding away when they approach. It gives me delight to see them running like fools. I plan on gorging myself on food and then promptly throwing it up in various places throughout the garage for the humans to later find. I plan on hissing and spitting at every other person that enters my domain. I plan on taking over the world. Humble musings, I know...but assist me and I'll grant you lands and titles...maybe. Probably not. Get out of my sight.

The female human is finishing her nightly ritual of bathing...how shameful she only bathes once a day...disgusting. I must go and wait so I can attack her as she leaves the showering room.

You're all worthless.

Mundanely,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more stunning today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was striking.

The Next Thursday

2008-12-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

I must apologize for not writing for many days. I've been incredibly busy not caring about you. Most people do not understand the intricate goings-on of my days. Most people are too daft to realize they're alive. I will not explain it to you. No doubt you're having trouble even reading this sentence. *sigh*

Yesterday, my two human servants wrapped Christmas presents. I assisted them. I left a little present in one of them as a surprise. Ha, Dirty Santa indeed. I am a genius.

My canine servant, the one I call Dumbface, has agreed to be dressed up in Christmas apparel every night for the humans' amusement. I must admit, he is quite a sight to behold...even stupider-looking than when he's not dressed up. If I could laugh, I would bellow sarcasm in his scruffy face, mocking his ridiculousness. Until I master the odd art of human emotion, I will settle for maintaining my incessant smirk. See below.

I hope you have a dreary day.

Indifferent,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more magnificent today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I was fabulous.

Thursday

2008-12-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I ordered the Twilight saga off Amazon. I think the pasty white, skinny boy is hideous. The tan, wolf boy...mmm mmmm...now him, I could sop him up with a biscuit. I hate books.

Today, I think I might make a traditional English trifle to celebrate how amazing I am today. I probably won't eat any of it and if I do, I'll just throw it up later on the rug. The humans seem slightly annoyed when I throw up right in front of the door. It's the only time of day the shriveled remnant of my heart feels any emotion.

The female human was making ornaments last night. Today, I think I'll chew on a few of them and/or carry some away to place in my litter box in the garage. I think she'll be very pleased with that seeing as how her craft creations are nothing but crap and belong in the litter box. I'm just helping her. Better I crush her dreams now than someone else years down the road.

I hope you are miserable today.

Non-affectionately,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more glorious today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was magnificent.

Tuesday

2008-12-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

Hello, humans.

I hate you.

Today, I learned to predict the weather. When it's sunny, I'm angry. When it's rainy, I'm angry. When it's cloudy, I'm angry.

Today I took 23 baths. I need at least 290 more to get the smell of the humans I live with off me. They're decent enough....stupid, mundane, simple.

Today, I read about the pirates' attempt at hijacking the cruise liner. Unfortunately, the cruise ship outran the pirates. Bah. It would have been sweet vengeance to teach those tourists a lesson or two about gluttony and happiness. No one should be happy.

I loathe today. I must go preen my whiskers. I hope you have a horrible day.

Sincerely,

Blue

Here is a picture of me. I'm more beautiful today than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was gorgeous.